What does the Dad look like?

I'm an idiot. Well we all knew that, but I've proven it again.

Met an acquaintance on the flight home from the North of Sweden last week. She and her girlfriend also recently had a kid with the help of IVF. My acquaintance was the one who was pregnant.

While we were waiting for the flight we spoke about babies (surprise, surprise!). She asked me is I could see my own and my husbands resemblance in Noam. I told her that I could and pointed out what I thought was features from my husband and what was features from me.

Then I asked her the same thing. Yep, I totally forgot that it is totally impossible for two women to both have their resemblance in their baby.

Ok, I guess that was a very "blond moment" but at least it wasn't a very bad thing. It just showed that I actually didn't even reflect over that they were two parents of the same sex.

But then I had my second "blond moment". And this time the mistake was the total opposite. I asked if they knew what the dad looked like.

Yes, I did use the word DAD and I could have bitten my tongue off as soon as I said it.

"Sorry, I didn't mean dad, I meant..." I said apologetic.

"You meant donor", she said.

Yes, that's exactly what I meant. Amazing. There I am thinking that I am so enlightened. And I can't even get that one right. Sad.

Men's age matter

A French study has found that the age of men, when it comes to getting pregnant, matter. When men has reached over 40 years of age, the risk of miscarriage increases to 35 percent.

I think it's nice that it's been proven that the age of men also matters, as there is always so much focus and pressure on women.

When things "go wrong" and the woman is a bit older than the norm, it's been assumed that it's because "something is wrong" with the woman. Now that might change.

Both stress and guilt has easily been put on women when it comes to pregnancy and parenthood. Now maybe the burden of those two will be divided between both sexes.

Had to let go

The day before yesterday I had to say goodbye to two of my dearest friends.

I realized that we had grown apart, that we just didn't fit together anymore.

They are just as wonderful as they've always been. I am the one that has changed.

We've been through a lot together. We used to be really close.

But since I got pregnant it just hasn't been the same. It's like we don't fit together anymore.

And when I was told, a few days ago, that I will never be exactly the same as before my pregnancy, I knew that I had to let go.

The exact words I was told were:

"Your hips will never be the same again. Your ass has grown and from now on you will need trousers one size bigger than before getting pregnant".

Well there was no room for one size extra in my two dearest pairs of jeans, so that's why I had to let go.

They left with my sister. I'm sure my sister will take good care of them. But what worries me is that she will never be able to love them the way I loved them.

My lovely daughter

Well, as the great godmother already has announced in a comment on this blog, Noam has now arrived in to this world.
Many of you have probably also received a mass email while I was in hospital. My husband sent a mass email to random people in my email address book. Many of you that didn't receive it has gotten one from me. Sent it just a few minutes ago. Ad for those of you, whose email addresses I don't have: Here are some pics of my wonderful, sweet, amazing daughter. Will write more later. Now I have to attend to her.

A hung over mother to be

It's strange that you can get hung over from noise pollution and smoke. Or at least I can.

Last night we went out to celebrate the 30th birthday of a friend. This morning I woke up feeling like I had been drinking quite a few drinks, even though I hadn't had a drop of alcohol.

I had a head ache, couldn't get out of bed till half past nine (which is very late for me these days), and it took me till two in the afternoon before I could start doing anything productive.

All this from being in a noisy environment and also from people smoking close by. And this happens even when I'm not pregnant! Although I think that the pregnancy made it a bit worse.

Considering I'm having a baby tomorrow, some people might think I shouldn't have been out partying, but I had a nice time. Hadn't been out in ages, so it was pretty entertaining just to study people. Felt a bit studied (read: stared at) myself though. I guess people are not used to seeing very pregnant women in a club.

Lots of people wanted to have a closer look at my belly, talk to it, and stroke it. Would have ended up pretty rich if I had charged a dollar (or lets say a Euro, as the dollar is not the best currency these days) for every look, talk, and stroke.

Well, got to go now. Have to have dinner before eight, as I'm not allowed to eat anything after that.

My husband in walking on needles. He's so exited that he barely knows what to do with himself. He says he won't be able to sleep tonight. I hope I will be able to anyway.

Sleep or no sleep, about fifteen hours from now, we will both be parents. Strange...

The special baby

My mother said:

"You have to tell your husband to take photos of the baby and send them immediately to me".

I said:

"Of course he will. He realizes how eager you are to see photos of your granddaughter".

My mother replied:

"Well, it's not just me that is eager. The whole of the office is eager, as your baby is a bit special".

Me a bit confused:

"Special?"

My mother:

"Yes, as your baby will be brown..."

Sometimes you just don't know what to say. So I laughed. I know they mean well.

Just like my sister does when she proudly says that she's becoming an aunt to a chocolate baby.

Just like I did when I, about ten years old, said that I was going to have a mixed baby when I grew up.

My mother and her colleagues will be disappointed though, considering all babies, no matter color, come out looking a bit pink and odd (to everybody but the parents of course).

Because even though my husband claims that black babies are cuter than white babies, (as you can see he's not very pc either), I doubt that's true. I think all babies look adorable to their parents, while the look of a new born is a bit confusing to everybody else.

Dizzy anesthesiologist

Had the information meeting at the hospital today. The three hour meeting that I wrote about earlier.

The reason for the three hours was that we were not the only ones there. We were about seven couples that first got to watch a hilarious film about the procedure of the cesarian. Hilarious because the film was like a home movie.

And particularly funny was the scene showing the surgery. The camera was not filming the operation area of course, but was showing how the doctors were working behind the green screen. And to me as a viewer it looked more like the doctors were quickly trying to pack and close a very full suit case, than doing surgery and delivering a baby.

After the film we all, couple by couple, got to meet a doctor, a midwife and an anesthesiologist. Especially the anesthesiologist was very dizzy. So dizzy that it did not make me very happy when she said that I would be meeting her on Monday.

Her dizziness resulted in her forgetting what couples she had and hadn't met, forgetting to write certain things down, claiming that she had already spoken to couples that she hadn't spoken to, and so on.

And the meeting with her was really odd.

Anesthesiologist: Do you have any allergies?

Me: No.

A: Have you had surgery before?

Me: No

A: You are not supposed to eat after twelve the night before surgery. But your husband should have breakfast so that he doesn't faint. Hahahahaha. Well, see you on Monday.

That was about it.

After meeting the anesthesiologist we saw the midwife that just took a blood test and listened to the heart beat of the baby.

And after that we met the doctor that listened to MY heart and lungs.

And now we are supposed to be prepared for Monday...

Desperation by the dispenser

Yesterday evening I went to a seminar about equality together with a friend. After the seminar my blood sugar was really low and I needed something to eat right that very moment.

I headed towards the dispenser of sweets and snacks in the tube station. I put the money in to it, I made my choice, and simultaneously I said jokingly to my friend that I would be really annoyed if the bag of nuts, that I had just chosen, would get stuck in the dispenser.

And just as I had said the above, the bag of nuts DID get stuck. I screamed out "NO!".

As I've many times seen young boys throw themselves against the dispensers to get some sweets, I did the same. But the bag of nuts did not move. I tried again. And again. Nothing happened.

My friend, who is also pregnant, tried to help me. So for a short while we must have been a pretty funny sight: Two pregnant women throwing themselves against a dispenser of snacks. We must have looked quite desperate.

The bag of nuts still didn't move. Then, my friend, who obviously had a bit of a clearer head than me, took a look at the small screen on the dispenser, and noticed that it said: "Make your choice again". She told me, and so I did.

Out came TWO bags of nuts, instead of one, and I've definitely never before been so happy about some nuts in a bag.

The date is set

Today we received a letter from the hospital.

On Thursday we're going there for a three hour appointment. They will show us a film, take some blood tests, and talk to us. Don't ask me how that adds up to three hours. They've probably calculated some extra time for me to break down crying or something.

And then, on Monday morning, at seven, the cesarean is scheduled.

I'm pretty scared, but have come to terms with the fact that there is not much I can do about the situation. Noam has decided that this is the way it's supposed to be, so I just have to go along with it.

I mean, I can't decide to just keep her in there. She has to come out sooner or later.

So I will put my head phones on and get through the whole thing with some lovely music in my ears.

All abortions forbidden in Nicaragua

Watched a documentary yesterday, made by Channel Four in the UK, about abortion, or rather the law against abortion, in Nicaragua.

All abortions are forbidden in Nicaragua. Not even when the mothers life is in danger or when the pregnancy is a result from a rape, is abortion allowed.

The force behind the law is, according to the documentary, the Catholic Church. When the reporter asked one of the front figures in the Catholic Church in Nicaragua about how they can justify women dying because of the law against abortion, his answer was in line with:

"Women do not need to die. Claiming that women are dying is just something being used by the pro abortion side. Medicine and technology is so advanced today that no women should be dying from pregnancy."

Easy for him to say. He is not the one dying in labour or while carrying a child. And he is not the one getting very ill or dying from being forced to illegal abortion.

According to the documentary, many of the unwanted pregnancies is a result of the so called macho culture and the fact that men refuses to use a condom. And women are the ones being hurt. Left with a pregnancy even though it could danger their lives, even though they can not afford having a child.

The documentary really saddened me. And disgusted me.

A report

Well, the turning of the baby yesterday did not succeed. And it was one of the worst experiences in my life.

The drug I was given made me feel like my heart was a fast beating drum placed in my head and my throat. I probably panicked, and hyper ventilated, because I couldn't feel my arms and my whole body cramped up.

I was shivering and my legs were moving and kicking constantly. And I was sweating.

All this from the drug and from the inconvenience when they tried to turn the baby. And from the pain. It hurt a bit, and then a lot in certain areas.

Two different doctors was struggling with the task, but Noam refused to turn around. Finally they gave up.

I wanted them to continue. "Go on!", I said. "As long as Noam is fine and not hurting, it doesn't matter if I'm hurting. It's ok, you can continue."

The doctors looked at me and said: "The problem is that we can't ask Noam if she's hurting, as we are sure you understand."

I felt a bit stupid.

The doctors also explained that the procedure is not supposed to hurt a lot, and that they feared that they would harm the placenta, that the placenta would be placed in the areas where I felt pain.

Then they told me that they recommend a cesarian as that is statistically safer for the baby, especially for first time mothers.

I'm glad that they gave me a recommendation. It made the choice easy.

So Noam will be arriving next week, or Monday the week after, by a planned cesarian.

I'm a bit disappointed of course. Was really looking forward to the process of giving birth. And surgery does scare me a bit.

But, I'm sure Noam has very good reason for not turning. And life never happens the way you plan it. So I'm coming to terms with the fact that this is case and I'm looking forward to meeting my daughter.

It's so soon now. Just about a week. Can't believe that I'm becoming a mother.

Been living in a bubble

It's so strange, the feeling you get from working on a production/shoot.

Even though it was only two days this time, yesterday evening, when I got home, it felt like I had been away forever. It felt like I had been abroad. Or lived in a bubble for a while.

This from getting up at five, go to the set, spend the whole day and evening at the set. Then getting home late and crash in to bed. Next morning, same procedure.

This means no news. No talking to family or friends. No actual connection with reality basically.

So, as I said, when I got home last night, I felt like I had been away from home forever.

Today I'm so tired. Which I think is a good thing, as I'm even too tired to be nervous about the visit at the hospital today.

Right now I'm just sitting at home, waiting for the hospital to call, to say that I can come in. I was supposed to call them at seven this morning, which I did, just to get the information that they were full at the moment and that I should wait for them to call, some time during the day, as soon as they had a space for me.

Boring to just sit and wait. But as I'm so tired I wouldn't have been able to do much with this day anyway.

Wish me luck!

Breach birth or Cesarian

As Noam still hasn't turned we had an appointment with a doctor on Friday.

After making sure that Noam still has her butt down and head up he explained the procedure of trying to force her to turn. Even though the doctor said that it shouldn't hurt, it sounded quite terrifying to me. An injection that makes the womb relax with the side effect that the heart starts beating faster. Then trying to turn the baby from the outside by simply "massaging" it. Certain risks, which is why observation for an hour afterwards will be needed. Also a risk that the procedure starts the labour process.

The doctor wanted to do the turning on Monday, as my pregnancy is so far gone. But the doctor found it even more important that my husband could be there, which is why it was scheduled for Wednesday instead, as my husband is totally tied up Monday and Tuesday.

There is a 50 % chance of success. And 50 % chance of failure. If the turning doesn't succeed the doctor said that he assumed I was then willing to schedule a cesarian. I said that I had heard that a breach birth is also an alternative if they find, by scanning/measuring my hips, that I am big enough. He said that yes, that is a possibility if I am very motivated and determined to do it. He said that it would probably make the midwives very exited. At the same time it was obvious that he felt that a cesarian was a better choice.

I asked him about the risks in a breach birth. He said that it is slightly more risky than a cesarian, but that they would of course support me if I chose a birth like that.

I wish she would just turn so that I do not have to make the choice. Not really happy about any of the two alternatives.

So keep your fingers crossed on Wednesday!

She's got hair!

"She's got hair" the midwife said when looking at the screen while doing the ultrasound yesterday.

"Of course she does, considering how hairy my wife is" my husband said.

"She didn't mean hair on the body, you idiot" I said. "Our daughter will not arrive bold in to this world."

Varicose veins freaks me out

I've never considered myself vain, but now I'm starting to wonder. Yesterday, when I discovered that varicose veins now had appeared on three places, on my legs, I started crying.

But it wasn't just the fact that I thought it looked ugly. It was the feeling of my body breaking. And it probably was also the feeling of something happening to me, that I wasn't ready to identify as me, the person I used to be.

Pregnancy can be overwhelming sometimes.

Again: What's wrong with people?

Yesterday, when I was sitting, in the tube station, waiting for the tube, a couple came up to where I was sitting. They were both smoking, even though smoking is not allowed in tube stations in Sweden, as in many other countries.

The girl/woman asked me and the person sitting next to me, if we could move a bit, so that she could sit down.

"Yes sure, if you can please put that cigarette out first, I said to her very nicely.

She looked at me and asked "Why?".

I didn't believe that she asked that. Of course I understand that she was trying to provoke me, but still. What's wrong with people? Why not just say, "sure, no problem", if someone asks you something like that in a polite way.

"Because first of all it's not allowed to smoke in here", I replied. "Second, cigarette smoke makes me feel sick, and third I'm pregnant and do not want to inhale cigarette smoke".

She just turned her back to me and repeated to her boyfriend, with a silly voice, what I had said.

Just then lots of seats got available behind me, so they sat down, still poisoning my air with smoke. I had to get up and move. They didn't care at all.

I know kids can be stupid. I remember myself smoking in the tube when I was around 20. Something I feel embarrassed by today. But even at that age, it only happened when I had been out partying, and was on my way home, late at night, when there were practically no people in the tube. Yesterdays event happened in rush hour. And on top of that this couple was not 20. They must have been at least 25.

The fact is that someone smoking next to me, once in a while, probably doesn't do Noam any harm. But it's a good excuse to use at the moment, as cigarette smoke makes ME feel sick. The fact is also that it didn't hurt me to get up and move. But the whole situations really annoyed me, which is why I had to write it down. To then be able to let it go.

This is getting ridiculous!

This is getting ridiculous!

I do not know if Noam is stealing everything that I eat these days, or if it's me that has created a food addiction or expansion of my stomach, during the time that I've been stuffing myself to get Noam to gain weight.

No matter what the reason is I am now hungry all the time! I finish eating something and 20 minutes later I'm starving again. It's crazy!

I'm telling you, the money we spend on food will increase quite a bit if this is going to be the case for another three to four weeks.

Well, at least it keeps me busy.

450 grams fatter!

Noam has gained 450 grams during the last two weeks. Not bad, right?

She will not arrive as the biggest baby in this world, but as it's now determined that she's growing well, we do not have to worry about that anymore.

She hasn't turned though. Still being stubborn keeping her head up and her butt down. But that's a problem I will deal with next week. Now I'm just celebrating!

Starting to feel pregnant with four weeks left to go

Four and a half weeks left till due date. Actually starting to feel pregnant now.

I've had such an easy pregnancy, physically. In the beginning it was a bit difficult to, mentally, accept the way my body started to change. I didn't like that my energy level was a bit lower than normally. I did not like the feeling of not being in total control over my own body.

But those things above are more of a emotional and mental sort, not physical. When it comes to the physical part I've been able to do the same things as always. I've been able to work out, and would probably still be doing that if I was allowed to. And the further my pregnancy has been going, and as a result I've gotten more and more used to it, the easier it's been.

In the beginning I felt tired and a little bit sick. But as long as I got a lot of sleep and managed to keep my blood sugar level from not dropping, I was fine. I've also had a tiny bit of pelvic pain, on and off. But that's it!

But, as I said in the beginning of this post, now I'm starting to actually feel pregnant. Sleeping is becoming difficult. I wake up constantly from hunger, pain or need to go to the toilet. The pain is in my hips from the way I'm forced to spend the nights (on my side, not on back or belly).

I'm starting to feel heavy and on top of that Noam is making lots of huge movements inside of me, which sometimes is very uncomfortable and at times painful.

But, as I started this post, it's now only four and a half weeks left to go!

Soap made out of breast milk = bad idea!

The website "Allt om barn" (All about Children) has published recipes for making soap and bread out of left over breast milk.

Might be a funny article, but it's pretty stupid when there's a constant shortage in the hospitals for breast milk, which is needed for e.g. prematurely born children.

The article should at least take the responsibility and end the article by saying that, even if the recipes are provided and seems fun, the best thing still would be to give the milk to the hospitals, of course.