A real girl

Four year old Tove, while watching Noam's hair flowing in the bath:

"Now she looks like a REAL girl"

I guess I was never a real girl, as a kid, considering my parents always kept my hair crew cut.

It's just like the answers you often get when asking kids what the difference is between men and women. They often reply:

"Men drive cars and women clean the house"

It's sad how early our kids are brainwashed in to believing in all these kinds of differences between men/boys and women/girls.

Nazism not offensive, but a boy named Maria sure is

A blog that I'm reading regularly commented on an article, in one of the Swedish newspapers, about that the rules and regulations on what you are and aren't allowed to name your child is changing. They are becoming a bit less restrictive.

This is good, I think, as you should be allowed to name your child most things, as long as it's not offensive.

But the article still amazed me though. Because what is becoming less restrictive and what is not becoming less restrictive is a bit confusing to me.

You are still not allowed to name a boy a traditional girls name, like Maria. "That could be misleading".

But, these days you ARE allowed to name your child "Nordfront" (The North Front" as most people these days are not connecting that with Nazism, and therefor it is no longer considered offensive. "Also, if you want your child to be connected with Nazism, you have the right to".

Excuse me?! Nazism is apparently okay, but naming your child something that doesn't fit with the gender norms is not!?

Pink little boys

Now it's happened twice - me calling a little boy "she" just because of him wearing pink. Not that it's a big deal, I mean, people say "he" to Noam all the time, and I don't bother correcting them. Who cares?

But the fact that the only reason I assumed that those little boys were little girls was the way they were dressed, makes me a bit embarrassed, annoyed, but also happy.

Embarrassed, because as often as I preach about the importance of killing gender roles and norms, I don't want to make mistakes like that.

Annoyed, because my mistake is not unusual, and it may seem like a minor thing, what color we chose to dress our children in, but it's a minor thing that is a part of a much bigger thing. That bigger thing is how differently boys and girls are raised and treated. That is what annoys me.

Finally I'm happy. Happy, as the fact that I've made the mistake twice, actually means that there is at least two couple of parents out there that choses to ignore that most people think girls should be dressed in pink and boys in blue.

Maybe in a few years time there will be many, many more parents like that, than there is today.

Women are also born with body hair

A few days ago my sister looked at my legs and said "Didn't you wax your legs recently?" And her face told me her opinion of the length of the hair on my legs.

Ok, yes, it is long. I just haven't gotten round to wax again. I will. But I wish I wouldn't. I wish I could just say "Fuck it!"

But I can't. I am too brainwashed by living 30 years in a world were it is considered okay for men to have hair everywhere, while women are supposed to have no hair, apart from on their head.

It is ridiculous. Hello! It might come as a surprise to some people, but women are also born with it!

Many people, both women and men, claim that it's disgusting when women don't shave their armpits. How can something that we are born with be considered disgusting on a woman but not on a man?! That pisses me off!

And even if I am brainwashed, and therefor shave both armpits and legs, I totally respect the ones that don't, the ones that has the courage to raise above the norms about masculinity and femininity.

Pissed at "Canada's Next Top Mpdel"

Ended up watching "Canada's Next Top Model" while I was stuck in the sofa breast feeding the other day. What I saw pissed me off!

They were doing a shoot for a mobile phone, and somehow they thought that wearing solely sexy lingerie under an open coat, with the mobile phone in one hand and a dog on a leech in the other hand, outdoors of course, was a good advertisement picture.

In Sweden, sexist advertisement, that has nothing to do with the product being advertised, is not allowed. When advertisement like that happens anyway (because it does unfortunately), anyone can report it, and the company behind the advertisement can be forced to take it down, and, as I've written before, it's also being discusses if companies should also be fined for this.

I guess this is not the case in Canada. What the hell does a half naked woman has to do with mobile phones?!!

Can it get much better?

Last night I decided to get serious. I took a couple of hours and compared all the kindergartens in the area where we live. This as Noam needs to be put in the cue.

The problem was, I thought, that I didn't really prefer any of them. I didn't think that any of them stood out. But I was wrong.

When comparing, I found that basically just next door there is a kindergarden that works a lot with gender issues and equality, a kindergarden that actually won the Stockholm Price of Equality in 2005. Can it get much better than that?!

Of course I had no problem deciding what Noam's (my) first choice of kindergarden is.

The second choice also seemed great as that is a kindergarden focusing on children using two languages, as Noam will be doing.

I must say I was happily surprised when I read about the different kindergartens. Many of them seem brilliant and made me feel pretty exited about Noam joining a kindergarden in the future. Can't of course be sure that theory and practice goes hand in hand, but I'm hoping for the best.

Do not support the bus strike

I pay 415 SEK every month to Kommunal, a union that is at the moment having a bus strike in Stockholm and other parts of Sweden. I do not support it!

Okay, certain demands I think are justifiable. And if the strike was only about those I would probably support it. But the strike is also about the bus drivers' pay check. And the fact is that bus drivers make more money than nurses. Nurses that have to spend three years in University, while you can become a bus driver in a heart beat.

And they also make more money than me. But Kommunal is not having a strike on my account. Cant help thinking that it's probably because I work in a female dominated work area, while bus drivers most often are men.

What does the Dad look like?

I'm an idiot. Well we all knew that, but I've proven it again.

Met an acquaintance on the flight home from the North of Sweden last week. She and her girlfriend also recently had a kid with the help of IVF. My acquaintance was the one who was pregnant.

While we were waiting for the flight we spoke about babies (surprise, surprise!). She asked me is I could see my own and my husbands resemblance in Noam. I told her that I could and pointed out what I thought was features from my husband and what was features from me.

Then I asked her the same thing. Yep, I totally forgot that it is totally impossible for two women to both have their resemblance in their baby.

Ok, I guess that was a very "blond moment" but at least it wasn't a very bad thing. It just showed that I actually didn't even reflect over that they were two parents of the same sex.

But then I had my second "blond moment". And this time the mistake was the total opposite. I asked if they knew what the dad looked like.

Yes, I did use the word DAD and I could have bitten my tongue off as soon as I said it.

"Sorry, I didn't mean dad, I meant..." I said apologetic.

"You meant donor", she said.

Yes, that's exactly what I meant. Amazing. There I am thinking that I am so enlightened. And I can't even get that one right. Sad.

Men's age matter

A French study has found that the age of men, when it comes to getting pregnant, matter. When men has reached over 40 years of age, the risk of miscarriage increases to 35 percent.

I think it's nice that it's been proven that the age of men also matters, as there is always so much focus and pressure on women.

When things "go wrong" and the woman is a bit older than the norm, it's been assumed that it's because "something is wrong" with the woman. Now that might change.

Both stress and guilt has easily been put on women when it comes to pregnancy and parenthood. Now maybe the burden of those two will be divided between both sexes.

Why are men more amazing than women doing the same task?

Last week a friend of my husband and her mother visited us. The friend said to me that she had, before arriving to our place, told her Mum about how lucky I am to have a husband like mine.

"Yes, I'm lucky", I said, but had to ask, "Why exactly?", and also couldn't keep myself from thinking, "Isn't he also lucky to have a wife like me?".

"Because he cooks and bakes for you", the friend responded, "Most men don't do that".

She meant well, I think, but the more I think about it, the more annoyed I get. No one says to a man that he is so lucky to have his wife as she cooks for him.

Again: Why are men considered being so amazing if they cook, or clean, or take a lot of interest in their children, while all these things are seen as normal and therefor expected by women.

Note: I do appreciate the fact that my husband cook lovely meals for me ever day. It's not about that. But a question worth thinking about is; does he remember to appreciate the fact that I clean, do laundry, wash up, make the bed...

A message to my Husband and God:

Darling, are you reading my blog, or are we, due to a miracle, entering a new wonderful era in our household?

Since I wrote that thing about the washing up, things have been wonderful at home. My husband has been washing up every day, after dinner.

I'm happy to keep on doing most of the other housework if he cooks and does the dishes every day. That makes things pretty even in that area, I think.

Lord, please let this new behavior that my husband has developed, be here to stay.

Result

Following is the result and conclusion of the experiment:

At seven o'clock, when 28 hours has passed, my dear husband is forced to do some washing up, as he is cooking dinner and need some of the dirty pots and pans. (He always cook, so I should give him credit for that).

At nine o'clock I decide to start washing up, as most of the washing up now is from the dinner we just had, and therefore my experiment is a bit ruined.

Then, something chocking happens: My husband hear that I start cleaning up in the kitchen, and he says:

"Leave it, I will do it".

He then starts washing up. And even if he, for some strange reason, does not wash up all of the dishes, he has done more than enough to make up for the lunch the previous day.

And when he after that makes me a delicious dessert, I'm not complaining.

Miracles do happen.

An experiment

Executing an experiment at home at the moment. My lovely, but useless at house work, husband, had lunch with a friend yesterday.

When I got home at ten in the evening, he still hadn't done the washing up from that lunch date. And he still hasn't.

Normally, when this happens, I last till maximum the next morning, and then I freak out and do the washing up. Can't stand looking at it, as I'm a bit pedantic, I guess.

Now it's three in the afternoon and I still haven't washed up.

It's hard looking at the messy kitchen, but I'm determent to see how long it takes before my husband decides to wash up.

It has now been 24 hours...

My Mum

Part of phone conversation with my Mum after phone conversation with my Dad (see below):

Me: "So I heard that Dad took lots of paternity leave when I was a baby. Were you happy about that?"

Mum: "I did not really have a choice. I couldn't really deny him the right to it, could I? But they were really happy at my job, as I got back to work just in time for everybody else to leave for their summer holidays".

My dad

Part of phone conversation with my Dad the other day:

Dad: "But you do know that I was on paternity leave the same time of length as your mum had maternity leave, when you were a baby?"

Me: "Really? That can't have been common in the 70s. How come you decided that?"

(Asked that question as I know that my dad is neither in to equality or babies).

Dad: "Well, I did not feel like working. And it was summer"

Where is daddy?

Still on the subject "equality within family".

In a posting yesterday I wrote that from a selfish point of view I was happy that my husband is not "taking his 50 %" when it comes to Noam.

I'm sure I wouldn't even be able to write a sentence like that if I was in a situation where my husband took no part at all in the parenthood.

Sadly there are many fathers that are, more or less, totally absent.

A friend of mine, F, has been spending several nights at her friend's place to help out with her newborn twins. Where was the dad then? He was there, but sleeping.

Another friend, A, had to bring some food over to her friend yesterday, as both the friend and her baby was very ill. Where was the dad? He had to go to the gym and then to the pub with some friends.

Amazing... Why do some people have kids at all?

A continuation on the previous post - sort of

As I've written before, I do not really fit in my old clothes. The ones I had before pregnancy are too small. And my pregnancy clothing is too big.

Therefore, at the moment, I'm trying to get around with the few things that do fit, until I know what my knew size is going to be. Those few things that do fit are skirts.

That lead to another problem. Considering I had not waxed my legs in about two months they started itching when wearing tights. And as it is not summer, tights is a necessity when wearing skirt.

So I needed to wax, which I did two days ago.

The point that I want to get to here is that I felt like people were judging me for waxing my legs and be thinking that I should be caring solely for my daughter and not care about hairy legs,

Probably no one was judging me. But the point is that I am just as shaped by the structures and norms as anyone else, which made me feel a bit guilty when I was lying there in the beauty salon, while my husband was walking around the block with Noam.

And probably many people would raise their eyebrows, After all, my sister told me today that some people were judging a woman for asking for a hair brush after giving birth. Compared to that I guess my wax is a huge sin.

It is truly amazing how easily mothers are judged, and how easily fathers get away with most things.

My husband is out partying tonight. No one questions that. I wonder if it would be the same is I wanted to go out partying five weeks after my daughters birth.

I doubt it.

The different roles of the mother and the father

Thinking a lot about the role that society has created for the mother. And the role created for the father.

I love spending time with my daughter. From a selfish point of view I'm almost glad that my husband does not take as much responsibility as I do.

From an intellectual point of view I feel different though. When I think about how much greater society would be (in so many different ways) if we had reached the point were there was equality when it comes to parenthood, I feel different.

The first week or two I was very amazed by biology and how this whole thing of birth and babies work. But I am not a biologist. And now, a few weeks later, I'm starting to see the structures, the social instead of the biological, also in my own situation as a parent.

I decided to talk to my husband about it. This especially after I had read different studies about how feeding is just one of so many different needs that the baby has, just one of so may different things that the baby needs from it's parents.

My husband could be the one doing housework. He could change diapers. He could be carrying Noam a lot more. He could be lifting her up to help her burp if she seems uncomfortable. He could be taking her for a walk in the pram. He could be singing to her. He could be talking to her. And he does all those things. But I do them a lot more.

When I told him this, he still got stuck on the feeding part. And then he starting rabbling on about the fact that it's not really in his nature to sit and talk to a baby, that it's more his thing to play with her.

Funny. Like if it would be my thing. The difference is that I make it my thing, because I know that my daughter needs it.

It all has to do with the fact that a woman is supposed to be the caring and the soft one. A man on the other hand is supposed to be the funny one, the cool one.

And it all has to do with that motherhood is supposed to be this thing that you go in to and totally sacrifice yourself, and no longer care about anything else than the child. There is nothing like that when it comes to the way people look at fatherhood.

A mother caring for her child is average. A father caring is wonderful.

This all has to do with the patriarchal society that we live in. It's all one part of the big puzzle, and that is the reason why change would benefit women.

But change would also be good for men. Not only because of the fact that an equal society is a better society for all parties, but also because men are actually losing out.

It amazes me that men can't see that. That they do not understand that by not fully taking part, they are missing out on something so wonderful that it can't be described with words.

The State - a discriminating employer

Men, employed by the State, makes 17 508 SEK more than women in the same position, every year. There are twice as many men compared to women, being "the boss". And men, employed by the state, have safer terms of employment, in comparison with women employed by the State. All this according to the Swedish newspaper DN today.

Starting to feel a bit embarrassed, and pretty angry, as I, myself, is employed by.... the State.

Make more women in the board rooms mandatory

The Swedish newspaper DN is today writing about the fact that the percentage of women in the board rooms is still low. Only 18 percent of the board members in Swedish companies are women. It looks like we've come to "a stand still" as the percentage was the same last year.

Members of the governments opposition is now calling for the State to make it mandatory that there should be more female board members.

I totally agree.

People use excuses like:

Making it mandatory is bad, as the person most suitable for the job should get the job.

I say:

Sure, and it is just as easy finding a woman suitable for the job, as a man suitable for the job, but the nasty structures in society, and in the board rooms, makes sure that the people (most of the time men) that are looking for a candidate, almost always manages to make sure that the most suitable person is a man.

People also say:

Making it mandatory is not the way to go and no woman would want the job as a result of it being mandatory.

I say:

Women would not get the job as a result of it being mandatory. A woman would get the job as a result of being the best candidate. The only difference would be that the person looking for a candidate would not be allowed to discriminate against women, and would therefor have to look further that amongst his 'brothers'.

I also say:

It might not be the best way to go, but it's the way we seem to be forced to go as structures seem very difficult to change. Especially structures that has to do with the patriarchate. By making things mandatory it might also push the structures to change, and when the structures has changed we will no longer need for things to be mandatory.

Until then, dear government, please, start taking discrimination against women seriously and force companies and employers to stop this obvious form of discrimination.